Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Sanctified by Adoption, Part 3: Praises Abound!

Between the two of us, my husband and I know a little bit about fetal development.  Paul has studied medicine for the past 7 years and will continue to do so for the rest of his life.  Even though obstetrics isn't his medical specialty, he assisted in delivering babies during medical school, and his ability to recall information regarding fetal development impresses me.  These days, he can tell you anything you want to know about when certain parts of the ears, nose, and throat develop (I should add that when he was recently quizzed during his vigorous studies for his yearly boards test, his lovely wife beat him to the punch in answering questions about fetal development!). 

So when we found out that we were pregnant, we needed no convincing of the life that was already created.  We knew that at 18 days after conception, the baby's heart began to beat.  We knew that at the moment that the baby was conceived, all of the baby's genetic material was there; this was already a boy or a girl.  Gender, height, and eye color had already been determined.  This was a little life inside of me. 


Thankfully, Paul and I had the opportunity to see this little life at just 7 weeks of gestational age.  Given that I weekly watch ultrasounds at the center where I counsel, I entered the ultrasound room with complete awareness of what to expect:  a yolk sak, an itty bitty little baby, and a flicker that was the heartbeat.  But as we saw that little life for the first time, any onlooker would have thought we had seen God in all of His glory! Paul's eyes gazed widely at the ultrasound screen as he repeatedly whispered, "wooowww. . . ." at the miracle of this tiny little heart beating.  To my surprise, tears involuntarily streamed down the sides of my face, as I couldn't find words to describe the excitement that I felt.  The moment was one we will never forget- not only because we were able to see our child, but because, as Paul shared with me later that day, it was if God allowed us a "tangible peek into what He was creating."  God was knitting this life together (Psalm 139:13), and He had ordained the days of this baby's life before the baby lived one day outside of the womb (Psalm 139:16).  We were struck by the responsibility we were about to share together- a life entrusted to us to love, protect, provide for, and disciple.  And each day that the baby continued to develop, I couldn't help but bond with this little one inside of me...

Until I remembered our soon-to-be-adopted child.  And there loomed all-consuming guilt.  How could I let myself feel such attachment to this biological child when there was another baby across the world that I'm being called to equally love, protect, provide for, and disciple?  Feeling a sense of helplessness, I would despairingly fret, "I know nothing about this child across the world!".  The unknown about the child we hope to adopt aggravated me, as it's very difficult to attach with a child whom you've not seen, whom you know absolutely nothing about, and for whom  you are still awaiting a referral.  These daily thoughts routinely ended with sadness and frustration, and knowing that it wasn't healthy to feel guilty for being excited about our developing baby, I began to pray that God would help me think rightly about all of this.

And I am ceaselessly thankful to believe in a God who answers prayer- a God who cares about His children's seemingly trivial thought life- a God who delights to make them more like Him- a God who changed my guilt into compassion.  And He began to help me think rightly about all of this: each time that I would think about the baby inside of me (which, if you have been or know someone who has been pregnant, you know that endless hunger/feeling absolutely starved serves as as a constant reminder of that baby!), I began to feel compassion for our baby across the world.  I decided to embrace the truth about our biological child: a baby who is being very well fed (!); a baby who is under excellent healthcare; a baby who will come into the world at a stable hospital with a mommy and daddy who have eagerly awaited this baby's entrance into the world; a baby who will be welcomed by numerous grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends- all with balloons and stuffed animals in hand.  And what pity these thoughts would create for our other child: a child who was likely conceived under difficult circumstances; a baby whose mother has likely limited education regarding prenatal care and little or no access to good healthcare; a baby whose parents assumably live in danger and poverty; and a baby who will be sent to an orphanage due to devastating circumstances. To my surprise, the guilt vanished as these thoughts broke my heart for the orphan child who needs a home.


And how thankful I am to God for taking a pregnancy that initially felt like a hindrance to my desire to love this unknown child across the world and for using this baby to increase my love for our soon-to-be-no-longer-orphaned child!  Nowadays when Paul "pats the baby" on his way out for work - or when we gaze at the little bump growing inside of me- or when my doctor allows me to hear the racing "bum-bum, bum-bum, bum-bum" sound inside of me, I unashamedly thank God for this precious miracle.  And then I remember our other little miracle on the other side of the world who cannot comprehend the unending, Spirit-enabling love that he or she is about to be shown for the rest of his or her life.  And I am filled with praise, as the anticipation only builds.



18 weeks old, and the Lord is already using this little instrument of grace!  


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Sanctified by Adoption, Part 2: Burden-Based Obedience?



What really is a "burdening of the heart?"  A desire?  A feeling?  A special brokenness, conviction, or calling that God gives certain people and not others?  The question may seem silly and the answer simple, but with regard to adoption, this question terrified me. 

As I shared in the previous post, I've read countless adoption blogs over the past year or so.  And many- if not most- of the blogs that I've read have testified of a burden that these women had for orphans:  some of them seemed devastated at the thought of a parentless child; some of them seemed inclined to do that which is difficult in the world; and some of them were simply (and seemingly spontaneously) thrilled about adoption.  And as I read their stories with an encouraged heart that was full of gratitude and excitement for their families, I also felt the need to have a similar "burden."  No feeling or strong desire anchored me, and I ashamedly wondered what was wrong with me. 

In the process of dialoging about this with friends, my friend Jenn (whose blog is a worthy read) encouraged me to read the Pipers' adoption journey as narrated on Noel Piper's website.   Noel, like my husband, strongly desired to adopt.  John, her husband, had concerns (Though I'm not convinced his concerns were actually fears like mine.  This couple was 50 years of age, so understandably, this decision required much deliberation.).  And to my surprise John Piper didn't conclude to adopt based on a "burden."  In this letter to his wife, John Piper writes of adoption as a decision:  " I am persuaded that this decision to adopt honors God more than not adopting. To my perspective it seems to be the path that will 'spread a passion for the supremacy of God in all things for the joy of all peoples.' I believe it is the path of the greatest love. And therefore I have confidence that God is pleased with it." 

Even though my fears often prevent me from living with Spirit-enabled courage, I'm still a Christian.  And deep within every Christian is a desire to "deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Him," (Matthew 16:24).  A desire to live radically for the glory of God, for our own joy, and for the good of our neighbors.  A desire to live off of His sufficiency alone.  It's just that when it comes to big decisions, a willingness to take that first step of obedience can be difficult.  But God is patient and gracious as he tends his flock like a shepherd (Isaiah 40:11), and I gladly testify to His gentle leading.  Over the past year and a half, God has taught me that following Him with faith in who He is serves as the wisest, safest, and most satisfying way to live.  In short, here is what God is teaching me:  follow Him!  Read the Bible, meditate on His Word, enjoy who He is, and do what He says. 

And that's why we're adopting.  It's an opportunity to glorify God.  It's biblical.  It's a way for me to take my husband's extended hand and follow his lead (though I'm not to be imitated in this pursuit, for "following Paul's lead" has often resulted with clumsy and selfish efforts on my part), as he seeks to lead a marriage that consists of "doers of the Word" (James 1:22).  It's a chance to disciple a precious child who needs a mom and dad -  and in this case, a child who has a 20% chance of dying before the age of 5-  an orphan who would otherwise live in the rape capital of the world - a child that God created in His image, that He loves, and that He calls His people to defend (Isaiah 1:17). 

I contintue to struggle with fears more than this blog might lead one to assume, and yes, obedience has trumped a "burden" thus far in my journey of adoption.  But would you believe what God has supplied as we have begun these intitial steps of adoption?  A rapidly increasing desire to bring our child home!  Oh, how I anticipate you sharing in His glory as I write of this excitement in my next post.